This is my third weekend at home, and I’m still feeling reflective. This is the most I’ve ever been at home consecutively since starting school, and I have to admit, some of the charm is wearing off. That isn’t due to anything in particular, however. I guess if it was attributed to anything, it would be a disconnect between where I live and where I call home.
I’ve always felt like “the weird one” in school. I don’t know when it started. I guess if I pinpointed it, it would be around 5th/6th grade? But it was sort of a thing even before then. I remember being in grade school and just not fitting in. Maybe it was a small town I couldn’t control, maybe I couldn’t get close to people, but I always just felt “off,” you know?
I would never consider myself someone who is great with forming relationships. I have a fear of getting close to people that I’ve noticed more and more as I’ve gotten older. Maybe it’s the depression, telling me that it’s better to close myself off and not have other people feel like they have to take care of me. Maybe it’s me just being dramatic, and overthinking my every move. Maybe it’s bad past experiences that make it harder for me to put my faith into people. Maybe it’s just plain being introverted. Whatever it is, I can always feel it there, telling me that I’m better off alone.
Now, if you’re reading this and you go to Carolina with me, you’re probably thinking, “lol what?? No. She’s in a sorority, she’s so involved, there’s no way she feels weird still.” And that’s where I’d have to say yeah. You’re right. Going to Carolina this year was like coming home for the first time. Joining Morale committee for CFTK and Alpha Phi have definitely helped with that. I’ve gotten to meet so many people who just “get” me, you know? I have a lot of people I can hold conversations with and make jokes with and I cherish that so much. But if we’re being honest, I can still feel a little isolated at times.
I’m not good at being the girl that always has people around her. If we’re being totally honest here, I don’t really like my personality around people. I can get obnoxious, or snarky, or annoying, and then I feel more insecure than anything. I can be the girl who’s funny and bubbly and will say hi to you every time I see you, but I just am not good at being someone with friends. I’m trying. Oh god, am I trying to be someone who’s good at that. But then I get stressed and I remember how I’ve always felt and I just kind of want to give up and just eat alone and be alone.
But I really want you, if you’re my friend and you’re reading this, to understand that I love you. I really do. I sometimes can’t show it that well, because I get anxious when I want to see if people want to go to lunch or go to the library together. But I really love you and value our friendship. Especially any of you who stuck around through my high school years. Y’all are more cherished than I could ever let you know, and even though I don’t text you as much as I should, I still consider you one of my good friends.
In my life, I know that I sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. And that can hurt, sometimes. But I also know that if I wasn’t the weird one then, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I like myself so much more now, at eighteen, with a better sense of self and a capacity to be alone, than I ever have.